Back when I was in Payson High School, roaming those halls and generally raising hell, my partner in crime Jayden Worwood and I wrote satirical columns each month for the student newspaper. We were the driving genius behind the paper, and through our efforts, the paper won awards for best design and content two years in a row at the UVU Journalism Conference.
Anyways, I was perusing these old columns and couldn't help but share snippets (and a few entire ones) online. Absolute gold is contained in these musings on life, love, and everything else. If you don't heartily laugh at least once while reading these, something is wrong and you should probably consult your doctor. Without further ado, I present to you, the high school musings of my twisted and over-caffeinated mind.
Appearing in the October 2011 edition of The Lion's Roar, Jayden and I mused on the fact that you need to earn your Halloween candy.
"In this day and age, the general multitude of society believes that candy should be granted to them upon simple, arbitrary guidelines, such as dressing like a fool, on the day known as Halloween. These mundane beliefs, while wildly profitable, are deplorable excuses for receiving candy. My esteemed colleague and I firmly decree that the acquisition of such delightsome sweets should be based upon the quality and effort one puts into their Halloween character. For example, if one is to pose as Darth Vader while wishing to be granted candy, that person must personify the traits of Darth Vader. They must be in full authentic garb, looking as if they have stepped off the silver screen into real life. The actual mannerisms and idiosyncrasies of Darth Vader must be perfectly portrayed and leave no doubt as to the sincerity and passion the trick or treater holds for the character. Only when this level on genuineness is achieved should candy be given to a humble and gracious individual.
"On that same note, the candy given should be comparable to the effort given by the trick or treater. If a feeble portrayal is given, then the reward should be a firm, emphatic "BOO!" Candy is not something to be bandied about like superior test scores amongst peers, unless the candy has been hard-earned.
"For too long has the majority of the trick or treating world labored under the false assumption that mediocre costumes and Halloween spirit is all that's required for candy to be gained. Now is the time to lead a revolution in the Halloween world and ensure that a higher degree of festive spirit is embodied amongst trick or treaters. No longer should our souls stand witness to the generic and rehashed hoopla that has become the modern Halloween season.
"Ensuring the high quality of Halloween spirit rests upon your shoulders. One or two men alone cannot make a difference in changing the ingrained template of classic trick or treating. We must yoke ourselves to the wagon of true Halloween spirit and pioneer new territory in the land of celebration. The bar has been raised - see to it that our grand expectations are met."
Wow. It sounds as if Jayden and I had quite the axe to grind....or maybe, we were just looking for a good topic to shoot the bull on. I think it was the latter.
February is always a tough month for me. I've never had a girlfriend during the month, so Valentine's Day has always been spent chilling on my couch without pants, as I am wont to do when I have free time. Well, my angst towards Valentine's Day shows up greatly in this first of two angst-filled rants. The other one will be posted later.
Love, Lust, and Lies - By Jayden Worwood and Spencer Durrant
"Love is like a ferocious beast, a lordly lion that cannot be tamed. Love is a wandering road that meanders through the fields of life, taking prisoners and killing the hopes of people everywhere without the slightest regard for human happiness. Even though love can be a tumultuous sea of uncharted emotions, it can lead to you paradise. Let this be your roadmap to success on the highway of love.
[Large rant on the unfairness of the friendzone summarized/99% of it redacted]
"The road to a successful relationship is not without its dead ends. The most infamous and complex of these abrupt halts in your progress is none other than the dreaded friend zone.
"The worst hazard is when you lay your eyes on a fair maiden, and finally decide to approach and seduce here, only to find that another knight in shining armor is already approaching on his noble steed. Then starts the greatest race; whose steed is fastest and whose sword is sharpest.
"Unfortunately, genetics plays a large part in the amount of victories a knight can have. Unless you are saddled with an embarrassing amount of money and a good doctor, there is now way to fix this problem. You will have to rely on other aspects of your personality to attract that maiden.
"If you have successfully avoided the obstacles, now you have to find the right path to travel on. This is not an easy act; reading the signs a girl leaves for you is nearly impossible. It takes a cunning and guile that few men possess. Most men don't notice the sings and proceed along undeterred in their dogged determination to find love and happiness only to run into woe and misery.
"Girls have developed a method to leave signs for men that cannot be deciphered. Girls will do something which in their mind, is an obvious statement of attraction toward the given male. However, the male will not be able to interpret the sign, and may even take offense. Assume anything displaced from the usual mannerisms of the girl is a sign that she may like you. Remember, with girls, nothing is 100% sure. The best way to read a sign is to find a woman to read it for you.
"The road of love is a hard one, and we may find our good names besmirched along the way, due to embarrassing moments. However, the end of the road is rich and rewarding. Love is worth it, dear friends. Persevere to the end. The bar has been raised - see to it that our grand expectations are met. "
